What do you think SirGay does after catching a cold during the hottest days of the year? Ha, he comes here, of course, to fuck with your brains, my darlings. That’s right, you better get some ice. You will need it!
During all this hot delirium New York City’s streets were breathing on me, your dear darling saw a dream with Kirsten Dunst. That was a bit random, I’d say, but okay. In the dream, her poster, where she poses as Marie Antoinette, was mutilated by a group of savage actors, who apparently, I found out that in the dream, hated her guts. Dear Plastikoff knew, his brain was triggered. That’s right, my darlings, my mind was going completely bonkers in this heat, add to it a running nose – a freaking running nose! – and you have ze Plastikoff back with his new (some people might think) deranged thoughts about, well, this time, Caligula. Oh my dear flying ducks, Caligula!? And what the fuckity fuck made him think about the Caesar? Well, first of all, it was hot, like in Rome hot. Second of all, Caligula was/is considered as deranged as your dearest Sir G. or is he? No, really?
Well, since ze Plastikoff had nothing better to do apart from making sure his sweaty balls didn’t stick to the chair, he created a case for Caligula. I am here to prove to you all that he – gasp! – was the sanest of them all. Oh, I can feel your temperature rising. You can’t wait to tell me how wrong I will be about the Augustus, but simmer down a bit. That ice bucket I told you about, yeah, grab some ice from it and make a mimosa. Now listen to me and to my oh so genially put case. I don’t even know what the expression in court is, but whatever, I’m Russian, so there, I make my own rules. I am going to prove to you that Caligula was as nice as me when a breeze goes through my balls on the beach, that is (smiley face).
Where do I start with all this mess, because I did get distracted by Hellen Mirren’s tatas and this six foot dick one of the ladies in the film was sucking for at least a good thirty seconds? I watched the film for the first time on a big screen, so yeah, I forgot to count for how long this debauchery lasted. This entry is not about the film I occasionally re-watch for educational purposes on my old VHS tape, even though it was inspired by the naked Malcolm McDowell’s tush. Oh my! Sir McDowell was running in the rain, making all kinds of moves, naked and not afraid, playing the efing Caligula. But see, this is where we get really confused. We have so many takes on the one and only Caligula that it is quite easy to get distracted by all these dicks and vaginas flying around, because, you know, the orgies and what not. Well as long as everyone is vaccinated and enjoying themselves, who am I to tell what is good for them? Should I put another smiley face here, or should I wait for later? Oh well, smiley face! I know you’re having a hard time reading these long-ass sentences (giggles – “long-ass”).
I am here to entertain unlikely thoughts about things that might not look the way they really are. Just to prove my point about the information we have about the Caesar and how it was, most likely, tailored to please a certain group of people, I am going to ask you to talk to somebody who doesn’t like you. Ask what they think about you. You, most likely, will get a contrasting picture of yourself from somebody who appreciates you. I have a very strong suspicion that Caligula at some point of his reign got crushingly bad yelp reviews, so all got real fetid real fast afterwards. Historians who wrote books about Caesars were people close to them, meaning, they were a part of the ruling class. But why was Caligula portrayed as some kind of blood sucking monster who slept with animals and raped the oh-so-vulnerable rich wives of Rome?
There were a few things in the book by Suetonius about the twelve Caesars that didn’t make sense to me and sounded a bit, in the words of today’s popular “literature,” sensationalistic. My first conflicting question was aroused after I read about Caligula’s disappearance from the environment Caesars supposed to always be in. Apparently, Gaius escaped to the populous, to the simple people, and stayed with them for quite some time. Evidently the crowds really loved the Caesar. On one hand you have this love coming from the plebeians, but on another Suetonius is painting Caligula behaving like a monster against the elite after returning to the palace. Suetonius “suggested” that Caligula might have contracted some kind of disease while being away. Did he contract the empathy or the compassion bug? Hmm, that is possible. These two are “crazy diseases” no ruler should ever have. “Clearly” because of that “disease” Caligula made the wives of the high-ranking senators at the palace prostitute themselves. He took their “hard earned money.” Oh my goodness, was he taxing them? Oh yes, he was! He behaved with the rich and the powerful the way they abused the populous. Well, of course, that was unprecedented and it could not be tolerated. The patricians in the senate had to make Caligula an example of how you don’t behave with your own, so the future Caesars don’t get similar ideas, because, well, who wants these socialist emperors? Uh-uh not them! Caligula at that time was at his most revolutionary age. The senators made sure that Caligula’s image was tarnished forever and ever, well until ze Plastikoff and his genius was born, of course, ha!
The next thing which didn’t make sense to me was Caligula’s sleeping with his horse and his alleged sexual relationship with it. Well, my dears, you are for a treat here after I tell you that horses sleep standing up. If you see a horse on the ground, it is, most likely, sick or just about to die from old age. Suetonius thought this little detail will fly over the heads of the readers of his book. He miscalculated my mind and my love for animals.
Here is another detail for you, Caligula was a short man. How do I know this? Well, I don’t and nobody does, though some “sources” today say that he was a tall man. Hmmm, but his nickname was a “little boot.” That’s right, Caligula means “little boot,” you mimosa drinking farts. Was he involved in bestiality and fucked his horse? Hmm, it could be, but I don’t think so. Remember, “little boot” means “small.” So how did he do it? Suetonius doesn’t provide the details. Bummer!
Did Caligula love his horse more than the people who surrounded him at the palace? That is for sure true. Horses are lovely animals, but Suetonius went a bit too far with the horse loving idea making it sound as if Caligula was a terrible terrible human being, who abused horses, because, you know, he built stables for them as beautiful as rich men’s houses. This horse was, most likely, his best friend, so it makes sense for Caligula to have it around in his castle, or whatever his apartment was called at that time. There are some folks in NYC, still to this day, who keep crocodiles and tigers as their pets. Do you think Caligula would not do the same? This bitch had all the money and power? Why the fuck not? What really pissed the senators off was the fact that he made his favorite horse a senator too. Now that was a kick into their balls. Ouch!
And then there was his sexual attraction to his sister, or even sisters (plural). Now, where do I start with this mess? If you really want to hurt somebody, say something so outrageous about the people they love and you are on your way of becoming one of those, I don’t even know the name for it. A “little” fact that he married Cezonia, a loose woman from a whorehouse, who gave birth to a daughter conflicted with this story of Caligula’s incest involvement with his sister. The whole family was killed though during this bloodshed the rich created after being overtaxed, because, you know, that’s how you rolled at that time. You didn’t like papa, you killed his children. But was Caligula really fooling around with his sister? Well, that we will never know. They both are dead to prove Suetonius wrong, but what is clear to me, Caligula had a healthy sex life which, yeah, could sound quite outrageous for some sex fearing people, but at that time having orgies was a norm. So, my dear Suetonius, you will not scare me with your stories of supposedly nasty perversions Caligula had. You were, most likely, excluded from these parties and felt hurt, so you made it sound the way you made it sound. Sorry, but the elite used you and made you write all this outrageous fiction about this damn Caligula, just to make them look good in comparison. Oh, also, a question, how the fuck do you know so much about Caligula and his behavior? Your book was written a century after his death?
Caligula, by the way, didn’t go to any war. Can you fucking believe this shit? An Emperor who values human lives instead of profits? This son of a bitch just sat in front of a lake or whatever and watched his soldiers collect shells on the beach. He must be crazy and must be destroyed. Well, sure watching soldiers swim happily made Caligula look crazy and… they did destroyed him.
It is clear that whoever wrote these historical entries about Caligula, was not happy with him. And who can be happy when “your people” are behaving the way they are not supposed to behave. You don’t rob your own. You don’t rape your people’s wives. That is what you do to the people who have no power. The ones who go to jail today are the poor and the rich who stole from the rich. When a capitalist thief steals from a poor person they say, oh this doesn’t make sense, I can’t rob a poor person, I am rich. If you don’t believe me, I can pay you to believe me, because I have money and money is power. Now, when a rich thief robs his own buddies, uh-ho, this becomes a problem, because the truth is on the side of who is richer. But the thing is, you are both rich, so what do you do? Well, let’s go back to Caligula. Imagine the confusion the high ranked farts had when the emperor who had all the power and all the money suddenly decided to level himself with the lowest of the lows, the poor working class? That emperor must be out of his mind! This “legend” about Caligula’s madness all of a sudden got pushed into the “news.” Of course, the madman has to be removed from the power. He doesn’t serve the rich anymore. Aagh, he serves the people! This can’t be! This is blasphemy and all these big words the powerful say wanting to intimidate you.
The system has not changed. In a society where the money rule, money can buy anything. How can any civilized society talk about morals when the main incentive for people in the power is to stuff their pockets with as much money as they possibly can? Caligula was critiqued that he didn’t go to any war. Instead, he decided to sit in front of a lake and watch half naked soldiers run happily around. That must be an absolutely clear sign of insanity, because look at all these wars we have to fight, look at all these countries we need to rob, because, you know, they are the “others,” which automatically makes them the enemy. Oh, and then there is the gold and all that shiny shit those countries have.
When somebody as powerful as Caligula sees that the real enemy is not the people, that the problem lays inside, that somebody must be killed, because he knows something we don’t know (as if). The confusion sets in, the revolution is just about to happen and we all know what happens when a revolution happens, the heads roll of the shoulders. Oh damn, ze Marie Antoinette! ze Kirsten Dunst and ze chaos sets in. The power becomes accessible to anyone, literally, to anyone! That is why it is so important to make sure that the future emperors learn from Caligula’s example. You do not go against your own. If you do, you are going to be called a horse and sister fucker, which, by the way, would be fine if you would still go to wars and rob the poor, then your horse fucking is the rule of the empire… And I thought I was going to talk about the film.
Sometime ago I went to visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC. They have a bust of Caligula there. This is what was written under this bust:
“The portrait style created for Augustus was adopted by his family and immediate successors in order to stress the unity and continuity of the Julio-Claudian dynasty. This fine bust of Caligula (r.A.D. 37-41) has regular features and carefully designed locks of hair, similar to those in portraits of Augustus. Here, however, the artist has also conveyed something of Caligula’s vanity and cruelty in the proud turn of the head and the thin, pursed lips.”
And who the fuck writes this shit? This is again one of the examples how we are manipulated to believe in certain things. What I see is a bust of a young, beautiful face, of somebody who was made into a monster, because he didn’t follow the rules of the rich, but instead was looking for the Moon.
My case is closed, my dears. Now I need to fart a bit, so excuse me, I am leaving you with that melted bucket of ice. Check if your head fits in it.